Not much to report today, although I will be attending Creative Fresno's Blender on Friday and the kick-off concert for Re:FUSE at Full Circle Brewery. Full Circle is a cool venue and the concert is only $5, so come on out, I could use all of the wingmen I can get. You should also plan on attending Re:FUSE if you are up in Fresno, it's like $15 for 40 bands, or something like that. I'll be up there Saturday Night, not sure which bands I'm going to catch though.

On an unrelated note, I am reminded again and again of a line from Richard III, 'I am strong-framed'. I currently work in a pretty male-dominated field where physical strength is a job requirement. Today, yesterday, and so many times before I have been told that I can't or shouldn't do something because it's heavy, or I'll hurt myself, or 'let the men handle it'. I have to laugh when Aunt Karen and I accomplish something, like moving a stack of 50 pound feedbags or loading 7 125 pound supplement tubs (which I just did, with no other help than the customer with the broken ribs, esh!) and a man is stunned into silence. I want to roar at the top of my lungs 'I am strong-framed'!

P.S. - Just for fun I thought I'd post a pic of me from right before my 16th birthday! That's my farewell night as Honored Queen for Job's Daughters.

Girlfriends

So I hung out with my girls in Visalia tonight. Adi and I had to get our music cut for Alice and, since Nic is the music cutting genius, we invaded her home and chained her to the desk until she was done cutting our tracks. I just love hanging with these two girls because I can pretty much tell them anything, and I do mean anything, and they have no judgement. Most of the time they answer with an outlandish question of their own. (phone sex, real or just a way to remind your man that he misses you? Discuss.)

These past couple of months have been ripping me in two directions, actually, because I really want to be up in Fresno where the theatre is, and the fun new people that I have met. I have to remain in V-Town at least through this school year, because I am obligated to finish this project that I started with TCOE, but I really want to be elsewhere. I know that my family assumes that I will remain here for a long time, but I'm ready to move on. This project has been more effective in Fresno, but it's hard for me to be up there when I don't have a specific reason to drive north. And lastly, my best friend is here in Visalia, I adore her, and I know that, because I have been in Fresno so much, we have been a little disconnected.

Finally, I am unqualified for all jobs. My AA is in Technical Theatre, my Certificate is in Theatre Performance, and all non-theatre jobs that I have held have been retail. Anybody hiring in Fresno? I'm a hard worker.

BTW, have you ever thought back on an encounter and had the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. That is me right now.

The Winner!!!

Is comment #5, Alissa! Thanks everyone for participating, it's nice to know that I actually do have some readers. Alissa, I'll be contacting you and getting you your fabu prize in the next few days.

I am sorry, friends, that I have been such an abject failure at this experiment. I have been meeting all kinds of people, just not anybody that I can date. Plus, I've been hanging all over SM the last couple of weeks, who, I think, does not like me as much as I like him. He puts up with me very sweetly though, even when I am a complete goose.

This has got me thinking about a Life List, you know, a Bucket List. I'm working on one right now, and maybe all together we can cross them off. Although #1 is to be Financially Independent, that may have to wait a little while. I'll post it as soon as I am done.

Loves to all!

I can not believe it, but this is my 40th post! In celebration, I will be doing a give-a-way. Very popular amongst the bloggers, so I am told. The prize, courtesy of this fabulous fashionista:

is a Date Night In Super Fun Pack, filled with all of my favorite things to cuddle on the couch with. All you need to do is comment, and yes my comments are now open to anybody whether you are a blogger or not, and tell me the best DVD for a 'curl on the couch with your sweetie' night. The winner will be chosen randomly by asking Aunt Karen to pick a number between 1 and ...

Loves

NCTO's

Westmont had a tradition called a NCTO (nic-toe), a Non-Committal Take Out, which I always thought was brilliant. The idea was that an organizer, usually the resident assistant, would arrange a group outing, like bowling or a trip to the zoo, and then you set your roommate up with someone you thought they would like. It was pretty low pressure, since there would be a ton of folks there, if you didn't really like your date there was always someone else to talk to. Plus, you could really tell which roommates did not like each other.

One of my favorite NCTO dates was Andrew (Fuzzy). Fuzz and I got hooked up alot, and he was one of the nicest men I have ever known. I think people put us together because we were both awkward, and never was that more apparent than Ballroom Dancing. I have danced, so I thought 'no problem'. Fuzz, on the other hand, was about as coordinated as a broken leg trying to paint with it's toes. The instructor was an ancient Japanese man that taught Judo during the day and dance at night. He walked around the room with a Shinai, a bamboo cane, wacking people in the back telling them to 'stand up straight', 'don't look at your feet', you're too close together', 'you are too far apart', and 'Kristin stop leading'. The funny thing was that we kept going back for this torture, it was so much fun. Inevitably, the assistants would come over and break us up, Fuzz would end up dancing with the beautiful pro dancer, and I would be in the arms of a guy that didn't let me lead, a glorious feeling. There was no chance that Fuzzy and I were going to date, he felt like my brother, but it was so fun to hang with him and laugh at ourselves. That was the point of these NCTO's after all.

As we made it into our Sophomore year these take outs got more intense. We, as women, were at school to find our husbands, after all. The pressure to look cute, hang on his every word, and find 'The One' was so high that eventually I found other things I had to do on those nights when a NCTO was scheduled. I was 19, I didn't want a husband. Mostly, though, I didn't want the whole school watching as I bungled my way through yet another awkward date.

The year after I left Westmont I went to visit some of my friends there. I was so excited to see Fuzzy, but his then girlfriend, now wife, was not happy to see me. She insisted that I not refer to her future husband as 'fuzzy', his name was Andrew. How sad I thought it was that this funny guy, creative and silly, was going to end up married to such a prig. It scared the shit out of me. How do you avoid this?

In other news, our well is broken, so I haven't showered today. Anybody got a shower I can use? Wanna share it with me? ;)




This picture is the new jewelry display I did for my store today.

Coming on Strong - Volume 2

Sorry if my last post was jarring for some, but really what I'm saying is that our world does not encourage women to be open about sexuality, or what they are honestly feeling. Does it scare a man when a woman is honest? I am definitely the last person that could answer that.

Back on task, a few years ago my very loving best friend decided to set me up with someone that she felt was my perfect match. Since our interests matched up pretty well, we had a couple of mutual friends, and he was single, it seemed as if all might work out exactly as she planned. Except for one minor detail, he was not into me. I actually really liked him (I'll called him Werewolf). He made me laugh, we had similar political beliefs, he made fun of my spiritual beliefs, but I can laugh at myself, obviously. I came out swinging here, asking him out, and when he hedged, I baited him with 'come on, what could one lunch hurt?' A lot actually, when he forgets about the lunch and goes to get a haircut, thereby leaving me in front of his house wondering what awful things could have happened. Now, werewolf and I are still friends, this was a long time ago, and actually I had forgotten about our first 'date' until I started thinking about this post, but my point is this, I asked him out again. Why? Like most women, I am a glutton for punishment. We hung out several times, friends style, with me thinking that it might develop into more, that eventually he would see how great I am and fall all over himself for me. He didn't. He won't. But I will remember how great I am for the next guy, and maybe next time he will.

Adult Content - Over-sharing

As a 33 year old single woman, it is hard to maintain acceptable standards of dating behavior. Why do I bring this up? I'm horny. I know that's an over-share, but you should stop reading this blog right now if you are afraid of the over-shares.

I'm pretty much up for it three weeks out of every month, sometimes all four. I'm afraid that my honesty puts some people off. Frankly, if I'm not honest I get written off as just that cute, sweet girly girl with no needs.

Sorry my friends, I have no intelligent thing to add, just that it sucks to be single, with no recourse.

Coming on strong - Volume 1

Coming on too strong has always back-fired on me in the past, but I can not help it, it's in my nature. I 'throw all of my eggs into one basket' and pursue the hell out of whatever it is. The irony is not lost on me, I am afraid to approach a stranger I'm interested in, but as soon as I am comfortable, all bets are off, I have tunnel vision on my target. Although, that sounds way more predatory than it is meant.

The first time this instinct kicked in I was a freshman at Westmont. My girlfriends and I were having lunch when Superman sat down at our table and started asking questions. To clarify, Superman was Sam, and Sam looked like a young Christopher Reeve. He asked us some inane question and I retorted by asking him if he was in the habit of hitting on lower-classmen in the DC (dining commons). Apparently Sam thought I was funny and turned his considerable charm directly on me. We chatted for about an hour, in fact I think I skipped a class in order to keep talking to him. With the encouragement (i.e. egging on) of my friends, I got up the guts to call and ask him out, a milkshake at the snack bar (no drinks, this was at Christian College). At that, our first date, Sam told me that he thought aggresive behavior, like asking for a date, was unbecoming in a woman, to which I responded "then why did you agree to go out with me?" That question got me a second date.

Sam and I spent alot of time together for several weeks. We would eat lunch together, study together (even though he was a Senior and taking way harder classes than me), and sat at Vespers together, which was huge there. One day I called Sam and asked if I could get him to take me into town, since as a freshman I didn't have a car, I told him I would buy him dinner if he would take me shopping. Here is, apparently, where I miscommunicated. He agreed, but when we got into town and I asked if he wanted to shop first or eat first, he got angry and accused me of using him for his car. At a stop light in downtown Santa Barbara, he leaned over me and opened my passenger door, indicated that I should get out, and then left me there on the street corner, very confused. Later, after I made the most of my shopping trip, and had a grand time by myself, I tried to talk to Sam, but he made it clear that he was uninterested in resolving the issue. I avoided him like the plague, since I knew his schedule well, that wasn't very hard. During finals week that semester, Sam tried to sit with me a couple of times in the DC, but I just got up and left the table, no matter where I was in the course of my meal. I'll always be confused by this chain of events, but pursuing him so aggressively has always weighed on my mind.

Next time I tell you about my next bout with aggressiveness, but for now a picture of the set I've been painting on.

Do Lesbians count?

Tonight I met a gaggle of hilarious and beautiful lesbians. Five to be exact. All brilliant, all gorgeous. Reel Pride's feature tonight was "And Then Came Lola", a really good lesbian rom-com, and after the star Ashleigh Sumner and a few of the other cast members were at the after party at the Starline. I had one drink, listened to three songs by Saucy Monkey, apparently a famous band (who knew, the lesbians, that's who) and then had to get out of the crowd. I went to the grill next door for pizza and a few quiet minutes with SM, but eventually the lesbians invaded our table. Luckily SM knew them and invited them to sit with us. I had intended to leave, but ended up staying another hour because I was having so much fun with them. Lesbians - fond of American Musical Theatre - again, who knew?

Childish

This is my childish side folks. Occasionally I get gussied up and go out, I shave, trim, pluck, lotion and curl. I put on cute underwear, pretty shoes and my favorite pair of earrings, perhaps even a spritz of perfume (though generally not because my skin just absorbs it). Sometimes on these nights, through no fault of my own, or whomever I happen to be with, the night is a bit frustrating. On these nights I want to stamp my foot like a child and howl. Why can't it work out exactly like I see it in my head? Ugh. You have to imagine me throwing myself on the ground and throwing a temper tantrum, complete with flailing limbs. I believe that frustration accounts for all bitchiness in me.

Honesty

No reason to add this photo, I just think it's funny.

A major obstacle in my dating has always been my ability to be honest with myself. I am, at times, brutally honest with myself. i.e. - I thought I looked hot one night, but look back at pictures and realize I was just a hot mess. Once sex, or the thought of sex, enters the ring, I turn into a tongue-tied imbecile who can not form a complete sentence. I thinking I'm flirting, but end up with the guy looking around for someone more coherent to talk to. Still, I have moments where I am dishonest, blind spots.

So, right now, I am in a pickle. I am hanging out with a guy I like a lot, but romantically? Not sure. His main appeal, beside the fact that he makes me laugh, is that he tells me I'm pretty with much frequency. But that's the thing, that isn't his main appeal, it's just the thing I think about when people say 'you're hanging out with Him again?'. I can not relax about this, it is not in my nature. I realize that there is no such thing as altruism, and that relationships, whether romantic or friendly, are full of self-gratification, reasons to be involved with a person merely to advance yourself in some way, but I don't want to be User.

Here is where I get honest with myself. I have hung out with this person 4, maybe 5 times, it is obviously not anything more than friendship at the moment, I will relax and see what happens.

Reel Pride

Went to the Reel Pride Film Festival Opening Night film and parties. It's weird, I'm a social person, but I get so freaked in a room full of people that I don't know. Stephen had to be working for so much of the night that I hardly got to spend any time with him (it's his job, so, please, he did not need to entertain me), but he's really the reason I went up there. Oh, well.

I did introduce myself to two people, who probably thought I was crazy, I had no idea who they were, since they were one of the founders of Reel Pride - Pete Robinson, and one of the most important people in the equality movement in California - Robin Mcgeehee (sp?).

The film, however, was oustanding. It's called Outrage, you should all see it.

New Rules

So I'm sitting here with two very fine gentlemen at the Starline and discussing the way in which the rules of the 52 dates project need to change.

Update: Actually I am now home, the guys managed to distract me enough that I couldn't concentrate on writing.

So here it is:
1. I must go to at least one social event every week with the specific intention of meeting new people.
2. I must ask a guy out if I am interested, without using this blog as a way to get into the conversation.
3. I must not let my dates know about this project until after our date, so that he doesn't feel (as Jag so aptly put it) like he is on a game show.

The problem at this point is not a lack of dates, but rather that I have been using this site as another shield. In order to be honest here, I need to be honest with myself and face up to those fears.

Goals

Aunt Karen says that my business cards look like I'm trying to solicit business, I told her that I was soliciting, she looked at me funny and walked away. I am setting a goal for the weekend, I have about twenty cards made up right now, and I intend to hand them all out by the end of the weekend. Hopefully I will also schedule some dates in the process.

So these are the goals:

1. Hand out twenty cards to strangers.
2. Give a shit what I look like at least through Saturday night.
3. Book at least one date by Sunday.

If you know any single guys, please let me know. Direct them to this site, give them my number, tell them I'm a sure thing (wait, don't do that last one), let them know what a fun and fascinating person I am, LIE!

Loves to all!

Taking matters into my own hands.

This has been quite a week, but unfortunately no date. I've been thinking all week of perceptions, how others see me, as opposed to how I see myself. So many times in the last few weeks I have been called brave, but I have to tell you that I'm really motivated by fear.

Fear that I won't finish this silly project, like so many things I've started before. Fear that a movie of my life would be one scene, of me sitting by myself in a movie theatre. Fear that I will wake up ten years from now in this same bed from which I am writing, in the same room, in the same house, on the same property where I have lived 90% of my life.

I was reminded this week that I am occasionally percieved as a push-over, dumb even. A nineteen year old boy made me feel like an idiot, just by taking my authority away in the most underhanded fashion. He percieved me in a way that was so against the vision I have of myself.

To prove to myself again that I am worthy of regard I decided to take matters into my own hands. This morning I sent e-mails to a few of the gentleman (those I was pretty sure were single) in my facebook friends list, inviting them on a date. I've had one response so far, but unfortunately he's not single - my bad. I have cards now and intend to have them on hand wherever I go. Hopefully next week when I go through the Starbucks drive-thru, the cutie in the window, that has been chatting me up the last couple of times, will be there again.

Much Love!

In The Mood

Do you ever go through a funky time where you just don't want to be around people? Especially people you don't know? I'm in the funk. The idea of meeting a new person and having to get past all of my issues, setting boundaries, the job interview-like interaction, ugh! It's just another piece of work.

Many years ago, when I was in Job's Daughters, I think I may have been either a princess or Honored Queen at the time, I told my mother that we couldn't possibly go to a function because there was no way I could make it to the end without insulting someone. I was tired of smiling and making small talk, admiring some old Eastern Star lady's gaudy dress, or listening to some long-winded speech about whomever was being honored. I had to go, and I managed to get by saying that I wasn't feeling well. This is what I am really good at, small talk, listening without the appearance of glazing over, the leaning forward listening that so many people want to see when they are talking, but it's a painful act sometimes. Ugh!, I'm even sick of my own mopiness!

I made business cards today and they are so beautifully simple, I can not wait to start handing them out. Let's plan to go somewhere fun Thursday after the show. Who's with me?