Music

Yesterday it occurred to me that when my mother was my age, I was eight. Let me start at the beginning here -

Have you ever had one of those conversations with yourself, in your head, where one thought leads to another somewhat related thought, and on and so on, until you land on a thought that seems profound in that moment. Yesterday morning I was thinking about karaoke, or waraoke really, a game that Jag has described wherein you put a song into the karaoke pot for a friend and challenge them to perform it. This lead me to think about music, the songs I know, how I was introduced to popular music, the songs that Jag might pick to get me with and the likelihood that I would be familiar with the song.

My mom loves music, in fact she has a huge record collection and I remember that we used to get a new record just about every month. I think she might have been in one of those club things. It was pretty exciting to open the package, not knowing what would be inside, slip the record from the sleeve for the first time, put it on the turntable in the entry, and dance. She had a real random collection too. Culture Club, Micheal Jackson, Meryl Haggard, Yes, Hank Williams, and Little River Band were all stacked up together in the entry cabinet. Our entry had a lineoleum floor that was perfect for dancing. Actually, one of the funniest parts about that point in my childhood, is that when I would sing along my mom would say 'please stop, you sound like a dying cat. You're never going to be a singer Kristin.' Boy didn't she get a shock when I hit puberty and started get solos in choir.

The fact is, my mom, the one that danced with me to 'karma chameleon' in the entry was my current age. She was raising two kids and dealing with a child of a husband, who, in less than a year would make a total cock-up of his life and leave her to raise the kids herself.

Luckily she had Santana, and George Straight, and Reba, and the BeeGees, and all of that music.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Back to the light

Those of you that know me well know that the mopey-schmopeyness that I post is not what I am like in person. I'm not sure what that is all about, just that I am an incurable optimist with a sad streak. Today I thought I'd post some pictures of what makes me happy when I am really feeling blue, in no particular order.

1. My theatre friends. This is a picture of Brooke and I presenting a director's gift to Teresa Hylton. I think that this show was pretty bad, and I don't care, I had such a good time doing it. I got to chase Brooke and Jenn around with a broom, make fake sex sounds with Rick (seems to be a theme with me and Tennesee Williams), and generally do my craft. Brooke looked absolutely gorgeous in this show, although I think that the two of us costumed her better for The Foreigner.

2. Old-timey pictures of my grandparents. This is my Grandpa Nalbandian's family, that's him in the military uniform in the middle. This particular picture always makes me wish I had taken after Aunt Charlotte, on the right of grandpa, and not like Aunt Sarah, furthest left. They're very Armenian looking though, don't you think.
My Grandfather was a paratrooper in WWII. His purple heart is from a jump on the island of Corrigedor (sp?), where he spent three days fighting on a broken foot, making sure that the men who were fighting along side him were safe, before he asked for medical attention.
I just love seeing old pictures that remind me that he was a hotty. My grandmother was quite a beauty as well, I'll have to find a picture and post it.

3. People laughing. Especially when those people are ones I know and love. This is Uncle Jim (in the white Cowboy hat) and Aunt Karen at the Three Rivers Roping. I love to see pictures of them having fun.

So this is what's making me happy today, oh and 'The Diamond Age' by Neal Stephenson. What about you?

Single

Of all of my girlfriends, I am officially the last one single. That fact was brought into clear focus this week. Don't misunderstand me, I am so happy for them, I love that they are in various stages of love, getting some, all of that jazz. I just find the prospect of being a crazy old cat lady daunting, especially when it looks like I'll be the only one.

I love my solitude. I prefer to see movies by myself, am undetered from eating in a restaurant by myself, love the time I get to spend curled up in my big leather chair just surfing the net, but there is occasionally a crushing sense of loneliness that is inescapable. Even my planned move to Fresno isn't going to keep me from being alone, I'll just be alone in different circumstances.

Fortunately I've realized that it won't be fixed by 'the weight of a man on top of me' as SJP said on Sex in the City, not that I would turn that down, but it's something in me, something unfixable. I think my need to fill that gap of loneliness is in my eyes, it scares men away, they don't want to deal with that intensity right away. I get it, it's scary to have someone need you right away. I just don't know how to get rid of that look in my eyes.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I've probably had that look since I was nine. The year my dad left. I love my dad, but he was pretty fucked up when I was a kid. When I was nine, he went to prison, and I spent years trying to figure out why. Why we were less important. Why he thought we would be okay without him. Why I was not enough to keep him home. Intellectually I understand that it had nothing to do with me, or anything that I did, but how do you convince your inner child of that? How do you fix the broken?

Fuck, I'm a depressing old hag. Sorry friends.

No Job

I am unemployable. Apparently working for a family business for years and moonlighting as an actor isn't that impressive on a resume. All of that college for nothing, especially since I never got my degree. Not that a degree in Theatre would do me much good. How depressing.

On a lighter note, I listed one of my crochet flowers on etsy. I wore it today as a broach though, so I'll have to make a new one if someone wants to buy it.

Sorry friends, I'm feeling generally shitty about life.

The Parents

My parents are going through a rough patch right now. Wait, what am I talking about, their relationship is a rough patch. If you ever want to understand my emotional retardation, you merely need to spend a day or two as a fly on the wall in my parent's house. I don't know what I want to say about all of this, just that I no longer have the energy to navigate their issues. I am not going to be their bridge builder anymore.

My Full Story

OK, so I didn't tell the full story last night because, well, it was 3 in the morning.

I got dolled up last night, knowing that I would be at a club with lots of funny men and I love funny men. Let me tell you, I was looking pretty darn cute - Little black dress, black textured tights, red heels (my old standards), and red cardy. Did my hairs, some makeup, and got lots of 'wow, you look hot', which was making me feel darn good about myself. A lady at the gas station even told me I looked good. So I breezed into Tokyo Gardens feeling good about myself, found HP at the bar, got myself a Slow Gin Fizz (had to tell the bartender how to make it) and Jag announced that we had to meet his friends Chris and Roger (I think that was his name), that I especially would like Chris. *foreboding music starts here* We headed over to their table, and as soon as I turned the corner and saw Chris, I got nervous. There was some awkward moving around so that folks could sit down, with Chris suggesting I sit on his lap, then giving up his seat for me, but I was immediately struck with a case of jitters. (btw, could the booths at Tokyo Gardens be any smaller?) He's good looking, funny, obviously smart, there is no way this guy would ever even consider me, right? I spent the better part of the next twenty to thirty minutes trying to keep up with the conversation, laugh when appropriate, and not turn into my hyena alter ego.

The show started, and because of the way in which Tokyo Gardens is set up, I'm practically in Chris' lap trying to see the stage. The show itself was good, if uneven, with some guys killing (Johnny Osborne) and some guys dying (Jeff the Bastard). All the while, Chris is adding little aside jokes, some of which I get, some of which I just don't hear. Apparently everyone else notices that he's paying attention to me, everyone except me. Young Andy even tells me this morning that he thought Chris was my date. Very helpful.

After the show we head to the Grill for some munchies. I'm the first one there, get a table, get my chat on with SM (who ignores me just a little bit, admit it, you totally did!). Chris arrives next, but I'm not sure what to talk about, and am feeling particularly awkward. Once Jag and HP arrive, convo was smooth sailing again for a while, though I can feel them (Jag and HP) willing me to be better at the talking and interacting.

At last call, we're winding down and I head to the restroom, HP and Jag head home and I think Chris has gone as well. As I'm leaving, I stop to give SM a hug, and he gives me a funny look and a nudge over the shoulder. I'm like 'What?' and he directs me to Chris, standing there waiting. So I say to Chris 'oh, I'm sorry were you waiting to talk to Mike or Stephen?' like I need to get out of his way. SM hisses 'No, silly, he's been waiting for you.' 'What, noooo!' *much eye rolling on SM's part* I awkwardly try to salvage by digging in my purse for a card to give him. 'Well, it was really nice to meet you' *smile* He leaves and SM is indicating that I should chase after, which I should have. I don't know that there is any way to erase my cluelessness, but I wish I had those last five minutes to do over.

My Own Worst Enemy

I am an idiot friends.

Went to Jag's comedy show tonight and he introduced me to a man named Chris, a gorgeous, funny and available man. Apparently Chris was sending me signals that he was interested, which I missed because I am clueless. Honestly, I just thought there was no way that he would be interested in me.

The Countdown - bullet points

I have 54 days until I officially move north, and yes I do have a calendar wherein I am crossing off days with a red marker.

Yesterday I went to view an apartment in the Tower District, cute building, nice landlord, $500 a month, awkward layout. I'm still looking, but it might be the one.

Bartending classes went really well all week, and I have an interview to work at Dougherty's, in downtown Tulare, on Tuesday. Just to get some 'behind the bar' experience and earn a little bit more moving money.

Went to the Creative Fresno blender last night at Silverdollar Hofbrau. I'm still awkward.

Going to Jag's comedy show tonight. It's at Tokyo Garden at 9:30pm, everyone should come on down.

Goal #34

Stop getting my hopes up.



p.s. anybody heard of any openings up in Fresno? I'm looking for a bartending job, or server/waitress, I ain't picky.

Vixen

I have recently been cast in the role of vixen that, although I find it amusing, is quite upsetting. When everyone was encouraging me to ask PizzaChef out, give him my number, etc. I heard one refrain 'If you hurt him, I will kill you'. Well, what about if he hurts me? For example, it has been a full 48 hours since I gave him my number and he hasn't called. In girl time, that means he's not interested, which makes me sad. Who's killing him for me? Nobody, that's who.

Halloween Weekend

I have had a really fun weekend so far, that mostly consisted of sitting around in a bar (Starline, almost exclusively) and solving the world's problems. Friday night Jag and Heather accompanied me to the Green Eggs at the Met opening night party. The exhibit was pretty cool, but the music was so loud it was hard to think, much less carry on any conversation or meet anyone. Part of my issue was the band that was playing when we got there, Yesterday's Chonies, I get where they are coming from, but their lead singer girl is Ah-nnoying. The crowd was such a strange mix and mash up of people, but mostly I was going into hipster overload. We retired to the Grill for drinks and chat and a little pizza, because although the Tower Dog that I had for dinner was delicious, it was not filling.

Saturday night needs to be told with pictures, but unfortunately I forgot to take my camera, and will have to rely on Heather to post the pictures to her facebook, so that I can steal them. Really though, I feel like I can not possibly do justice to the night in words. When I got into the Tower at about 8:30ish I went straight for the Grill, thinking that Jag or Heather would be there, they were not, but I got to admire two rather strange costumes, Renee (the bartender) dressed as a zombie alchemist (I think?) and Tim (one of the cooks?) as Jon, the guy in the Tower known for wearing slippers and beads. Since J and H were not there, I decided to walk down to Teasers and maybe try a different Tower Dog. Olive was a madhouse of people, a strange mix of parents with their children and drunken adult revelers, oh and the evangelists in front of Landmark. One mom in front of me looked at the evangelists and said 'What are they doing?' to which I replied 'We're the devil, Jesus hates that you've dressed up your daughter like a princess', she just laughed and went on. There was some kind of circus freak show act at the Tower Theatre, but judging by the inept writhing of the dancers out front, I'm glad I didn't waste my money. Walking back into the Grill, I heard 'Kristin!' coming from the back, it was Abagail (who has a beautiful voice btw) Katie and PizzaChef. I am officially Norm. J, H and Bruce were at Livingstone's having dinner, so I headed over, had some delicious veggie quesadilla, and suggested that we walk down Olive to enjoy the drunks and revelers. At this point we extracted my wings, which had been whacking people in the face all night, and H changed into different shoes, much more comfortable ones. We stopped in at Landmark (loud and crazy) and Veni's (marijuana, 'nough said) and then headed back to Starline. SM had on a disturbing Deputy Hillbilly costume on, I could barely look at him. But, most importantly, PizzaChef took my number and we will be going out sometime in the next week or so!

This week's schedule:

Bartending school Mon. - Thurs. 1pm to 5pm
Creative Fresno Blender Fri.
Jag's Comedy Show Sat.

Have a great week Loves!